State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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