Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize