I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
