The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
