fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
