I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
