She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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