i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
