Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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