Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Will exercising make me less horny?
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