It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
