i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
