everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
