Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize