Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Found the puke drawer
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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