i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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