I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
