I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We have started to decorate penises.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
