My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
