He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I could fuck to npr.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
