Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
