My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sext me about skeletons
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
