I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
