my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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