Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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