i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize