My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
