i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
