I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
