I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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