Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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