i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
