I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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