the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
