Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
