Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
