how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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