the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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