I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He felt like a one man threesome
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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