you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
