Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
