Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
God, I missed his penis.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
