I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
