I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
