How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
