That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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