He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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