I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
