Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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