How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
