Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you traded sex for a burrito?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
