I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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