i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
