I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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