i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
