When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
