dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
