i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i drank out of a bidet.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
