dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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