i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
