is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
as a side note pls kill me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
