i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
