I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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