I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
