I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
