I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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