If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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