Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you win again, gameday.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
foreskin is a definite game changer
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
